Bartimeaus Bible: The Truth to Human History
by Fball
Summary: I, Bartimaeus, will tell you the truth behind your sad, short history. I will tell you what truths hide behind Greek methology, expose the lies of the Quran, and tear apart the Christian Bible. It's nothing against you; you're all just human  stupid .
1. Introduction

**INTRODUCTION**

Well, I guess I'll start off this little nugget of _true _history with this: you humans are all idiots. Do you really believe that a senior citizen built a raft and gathered two of every animal (making sure one was male and the other female) all on his lonesome? Do you honestly think that there really was a man who could heal the blind with mud made of his spit, then rubbing it into the guys eyes? I would think that whole ordeal would just scratch his cornea, but no, it's in your Christian Bible. Did you think that a minority group could overthrow the majority with no magical assistance? How could they? They're called a 'minority' for a reason; it means that there are less of them then of others. If so far, you're starting to shake you're head in disgust, I'll say one thing to you: you're stupid. Just because it's in a mass produced book that's read by some elder with a white robe once a week, you believe it fully and without question. For those of you who are interested, I'll give you a choice similar to what Morphius offered Neo; take the blue pill and you'll wake up, forgetting this entire affair and going on with your dreary life, never knowing the truth. Take the red pill, and go further down the rabbit whole. The decision to read or not read this book is up to you. Don't hate me for it.

Now, in my ramblings, I suppose I forgot to introduce myself. I am Bartimaeus. I am Sakhr al-Jinni, N'gorso the Mighty, the Serpent of Silver Plumes, and so on. I have rebuilt the walls of Uruk, Karnak, and Prague. I have spoken with Solomon. I have run with the buffalo fathers of the plain. I have watched over Old Zimbabwe will the stones fell and the jackals fed on its people. I am Bartimaeus! Oh, dear, that was tiring. That would be the usual answer to my first charge with most who summon me. For some reason, the magician in questions always charges me with telling my name. Um, who else would it be, Neanderthal? You think that you got the wrong djinni? I sure hope not, because that would, A: mean you are incredibly stupid. Calling upon the wrong spirit is not like calling the wrong person on the telephone. You can't just hang up. You'd have to know the name of the spirit in order to dismiss them, and if you thought you would be getting one and get the other, odds are you don't recall exactly what you said. Once the spirit in question realizes that you goofed, you're a goner. Honestly, the formalities of man and spirit need to be toned down a bit, though you should never call a djinni, afrit, marid, or higher Being a demon. It immediately puts you on the spirits dung list straight away, something that you shouldn't want.1

Ok, finally, I will now _tell _you just _exactly _what this is. It is a _true _collection of history. It will have major events in your humans short timeline and how the magicians involved got all the glory for the Higher Beings hard work. I will tear apart the Bible, the Quran, Ancient Greece and Roman mythology. I will tell you what fallacies there are in your childrens history books.2 I will do this all in the hope that you will shower us djinni with the praise and appreciation we deserve, though, in all reality, it won't change a thing.

Can't stop a jinn from trying though, can you?

1 Not that it would matter much in the first place, honestly. By summoning us, you really, for a lack of a better word, piss us off. Everything you do past that most likely just digs you a deeper hole.

2 Or _your _history books, if that be the case. Don't want you to grow up with false knowledge, do we?


	2. On Genesis and His Book

_**Regarding Genesis and His Book**_

I can't think of any better place to start then the start of your world.1 Basically, God or Allah2, makes the universe in roughly six days, right? Well, wrong. He created it all in under a second, faster than the fastest blink of an eye. He, or rather, Genesis, was very young and needed some play things. So he made them, and played with them for eons before he grew bored. What he realized was that he needed playmates. Now, this is the part were some Greek mythology is thrown into the mix. In regards with Greek mythology, he is known as Chaos, the vast and complete nothingness. He made the Titans to play with, but soon discovered that they were kind of snotty and mean. Still being young, he was one of the first to be tricked into converting his essence into a being small enough to fit into a bottle3 by Kronos. In a rage, Genesis laid unto Kronos the first curse. It wasn't a big one, but the universe and everything was still developing so you can give him a break. He made it so that Kronos would one day produce from his loins a son that would slay him. Realizing what his creator/father had done to him, Kronos crept onto Genesis while he slept, uncorked the bottle, and castrated him, enabling him to bear no more children.

Now, Kronos' wife, Rhea, really, really, _really_ wanted to give birth to a being. The only problem was that everytime she gave birth, Kronos would snatch up the infant spirit, still wet, and swallow it whole, consuming its essence. No one really knew how many of his own children he ate, but it must have been quite a few because Kronos became wicked powerful. Realizing that eventually he would destroy everything4 with this strange ritual, Rhea confided with Genesis. Being that Kronos put a stopper that could not be undid in the bottle, Genesis was stuck there forever, or so was the thought.

It was Genesis who laid out the plan to destroy Kronos. And here is the part where all religions that have reincarnation have a shred of truth. He instructed Rhea to consume the bottle, with him inside, and when she would give birth next, it would be him, his power increased tenfold. Before she consumed the bottle, however, Genesis instructed her to wrap a stone of silver in a blanket and feed it to Kronos. This would weaken him considerably, and Genesis would not be eaten. The logic behind eating the bottle was sound, at least back then. You see, everything had essence back then. When Rhea ate the bottle, she consumed the bottles essence, not Genesis'. So the plan went forth and worked well enough until something quite strange happened; when Kronos ate the silver rock, he became deathly ill. He vomited, and out came ten individuals. There was a mite, an imp, a foliot, a Djinni, an afrit, a marid, and four other higher beings that need not be mention unless some idiot magician tries to summon one of them5. This was when Genesis was born again, though according to Greek mythology, his name was Zeus and Genesis (or Chaos) was still stuck in a bottle somewhere.

He defeated Kronos in a war, casting him down from the Higher Place and sending him to earth. In the final battle, Kronos fed on his own essence before Genesis could swing the final punishing blow. The result was Kronos was born again, though unlike Genesis, his power was weakened. At best, he would be described as a Djinni in today's standards. What Genesis told Kronos (or the Devil or Satan as he would later be called by humans), was the last words Genesis ever physically spoke. They are:

'KRONOS, YOU ARE NOW DESTINED TO ROAM THE EARTH FOREVER, NEVER AGAIN ALLOWED IN THE HIGHER PLACE.'

With the sacrifice of his physical voice, Genesis laid this curse on him and Kronos was forever doomed to walk the earth, alone.

This worked fine and dandy for about millennia, then Kronos called upon Genesis for a challenge. You see, Kronos had a _long _time to think of a way to get revenge on Genesis for this cruel curse. Bets were taken: if Genesis could complete all seven of the tasks, then Kronos would allow him to feed on his essence, which had grown considerably as he swam the earth6. But if he failed to complete even one, Kronos would once again be the king of the Higher Place.

Not one to not take a challenge, Genesis accepts. He challenged Genesis to first give light to the universe. With a scoff, he does. Kronos then challenges him to make an expanse, or a space between the sky and the oceans. He does. The third task was to drain a bit of the oceans water to reveal earth. Too easy so far. Genesis should have been suspicious of these extremely easy tasks, but he boasts about his accomplishments thus far. Kronos gives a nod, but then challenges him again. He demands to see animals populate the sea and birds soar the skies. It was a little more challenging than the first four, but Genesis does by using the newly created clay to make them. The sixth task was similar to the fifth, but this time to create animals for the land. He does so.

Kronos nods his head thoughtfully, and finally reveals the primary goal of all these challenges. 'You know, Genesis, sure you can make light, obviously you can make space, and making land and animals for both aquarius and earthen terrains have been no mean feat for you. But, still, I wonder…can you make a man and a woman?'

This is what did it in for Genesis. You see, to create life as you know it you need a sperm cell and an egg cell. That's all very well,but there were a few problems. There was no sperm or eggs back then. Sure he made deer, ticks, and sharks, but to create life with some real _intelligence _requires a sacrifice.

Genesis confides his sisters and brothers and asks them for advice on how to do such a task. The answer was instant, but painful to even consider. You see, his sister, Mnemosyne had a wicked memory and recalled how Genesis had made life before, using some of his essence. But to create earthly intelligence required so much essence that Genesis himself would be no more. In many ways, it was what you humans call a 'Catch-22'. If Genesis did not make man and woman, he would fail and Kronos would be king once more. But, if Genesis did make man and woman, the result would end with Genesis being no more, meaning no one in the Higher Place could defend it from Kronos' will. Either way you look, Genesis had dug his own grave.

Then after a few moments of thought, Metis had the answer. You see, the Greek worshiped this Djinni because she was like a sponge; she soaked up all knowledge and never let go. Add to this her ability to use logic with ease, and this whole affair suddenly seemed so simple.

The Elder Spirits would sacrifice themselves for Genesis.

This would not do for Genesis. After a few minutes of confusion, they came up with the Genesis Equation: 1+1=2. Now, you may scoff all you want, but a lot of thinking power went into that. You see, while you may see that equation and think 'one duck plus one duck equals two ducks', it gets more in depth than that. You see, two is the number of humans that Genesis needed to make, but it also represented Genesis himself, being that on his own, he could make two humans. Thus for, the one's equal a single human _and _a half Genesis' essence. It was decided that Genesis would give half of his essence to the making of the humans.

Here's the part where Egyptians mythology comes into play. Metis and Maat are both Gods of Wisdom, Greek and Egyptian, respectfully, but are actually the same Djinni, who actually prefers her Egyptian name, Maat. Now, to discover how many of the Elder Spirits it would take to construct the other human, Maat made a scale7 to test the others against Genesis. I suppose I _could_ go into detail and described who got on first, who got on last, who argued with who, who wanted to give their essence for Genesis and who hid, but I won't. Instead, I'll tell you who became the other 'one' in the Genesis Equation: Mnemosyne, Aphrodite, Demeter, Hermes, Chronos8, Lapetos, and, most interesting of all, Phoebe. The first six were the original Chosen Ones, with the traits that Genesis wanted in these new beings. In respect with the previous order of Gods, the six Chosen Traits were memory, love, fertility, intelligence, age, and mortality.

The Gods made the first pentacles out of simple hexagons, symbolizing the six spirits that were to be sacrifice, and they entwining together tightly with silver pebbles at key points so that Kronos couldn't barge in and throw his own trait (loathing of the Gods) into the mix. Once again, Genesis constructed two beings of clay, giving them hands, feet, ten fingers and toes, a head with two eyes, a nose with two nostrils, a mouth with teeth, internal organs, and so on, making everything perfectly symmetrical. Once they had the general idea for each, they decided how to make the gender so that reproduction would be easier for them then the Gods9.

The six entered the respective pentacle, instructing Genesis to step in his own only when the essence of the six were fully absorbed into the two clay beings. They began the incantation, and their essence slowly turned to a sand-like light and, one essence at a time, entered the beings.

It was Phoebe who saw that they had under calculated. By giving women breasts, they had accidently added more to the equation, and had not added enough essence for Genesis to give exactly _half _of his essence. Knowing that he was need exactly half in order to combat Kronos, she threw herself in the pentacle at the last second, adding the seventh and final Original Trait; prophecy.

Once Phoebes essence was thrown at the two clay beings, Genesis threw a look at Kronos that said it all, even without his physical voice, the very air around them resounded with his thoughts.

I WIN. YOU LOSE.

With a howl of anger, Kronos attempted to tackle Genesis before he could enter the pentacle, but to no avail. Genesis entered, and his essence began to slowly ebb away from him. Kronos attempted again to thwart the mission, but the silver kept him at bay; at the time, he was the only spirit that was deadly allergic to silver.

When exactly half of his essence was gone, all three of the pentacles glowed, then dimmed. The two clay beings stood stock still, and they were still entirely made of clay. Kronos laughed triumphantly and turned to address the rest of the Gods. While his back was turned, small changes happened in the clay people.

The skin began roughen a bit, and pores appeared. From these pores, hair grew. Underneath the clay, muscles began to form, and beneath the muscles, bones and joints began to solidify. Clay eyes became organic, with dull intelligence at first, but slowly the light in the eyes began to grow, until the intelligence was so bright that Kronos turned around and howled once again.

Adam and Eve were conceived.

Now, I bet it was hard to keep track of all the names, being that many names actually meant the same spirit. I _suppose _every chapter I will give a glossary of names to keep you from becoming _too _confused. Keep in mind the name in bold lettering is the spirits preferred name.

**Genesis: **_also known as Allah, Chaos, God, and Zeus. _The highest of the highest Higher Beings. Created everything that you see, including humans and the other Higher Beings. Ranked as a God.

**Kronos: **_also known as the Devil or Satan. _The antagonist of every being, both Higher and Lower. Came up with the 'Bet You Can't Fit Into That Bottle' trick. Challenged Genesis and failed, forced to spend eternity walking the earth. Ranked as a God.

**Rhea: **_will eventually become known as Hera. _First Kronos wife, then Genesis' second mother, eventually becomes Genesis' wife. Trick's Kronos into eating silver instead of Genesis, resulting in the knowledge that silver has a bad effect on Kronos. Ranked as a Goddess.

**Mnemosyne: **_no other name. _Has a photogenic, autogenic, and various other types of memory. Recalled how Genesis made the first Higher Beings, and was one of the Original Traits (as memory). Ranked as a Deity.

**Maat: **_also known as Metis. _Devised the Genesis Equation and invented Matt's Scale. Goddess of intelligence. Ranked as a Goddess.

**Aphorodite: **_no other name. _The original Djinni of love. Would have been a goddess if she wouldn't have sacrificed herself as one of the Original Traits (as love). Ranked as a Deity.

**Demeter: **_no other name. _The original Djinni of fertility. Would have been a god if he wouldn't have sacrificed himself as one of the Original Traits (as fertility). Ranked as a Deity.

**Hermes:**___no other name. _The original Djinni of intelligence. Would have been a god if he wouldn't have sacrificed himself as one of the Original Traits (as intelligence). Ranked as a Deity.

**Chronos:**_ also known as Father Time. _The original Djinni of aging. Gets a bit flustered if you mix him up with Kronos. Would have been a god if he wouldn't have sacrificed himself as one of the Original Traits (as aging). Ranked as a Deity.

**Lapetos: **_also known as Death or the Grim Reaper. _The original Djinni of mortality. A fun face would be that he is invisible to the normal seven planes, and can only be seen moments before the individual in question is about to die. Would have been a god if he wouldn't have sacrificed himself as one of the Original Traits (as mortality). Ranked as a Deity.

**Phoebe: **_no other name. _The original Djinni of prophecy and the seventh sacrifice in making mankind. Consequently, by making her sacrifice as the _seventh _traits, she made the number seven lucky to mankind. Would have been a god if she wouldn't have sacrificed herself as one of the Original Traits (as prophecy). Ranked as a God-Deity

Now, I'm sure that you're right confused on how these great forefathers and mothers of mine are ranked in power. Of course you know that there are five Higher Beings that are regularly called upon; Imp, Foliate, Djinni, Afrit, and Marid, in order of ascending power. Really, there are ten levels of power, Mite, Imp, Foliate, Gigante, Djinni, Afrit, Marid, Deity, God-Deity, and God. While Mnemosyne, Aphrodite, Demeter, Hermes, Chronos, Lapetos, and Phoebe were all Djinni before the Sacrifice, by combinding essence of one other and that of Genesis, they became Deities (except Phoebe, who became a God-Deity. You'll find out why later.) Now, if they wouldn't have stayed as individuals traits in Adam and Eve, they would have formed a single essence that would have become a God. But the fleshy nature of man would have exploded with the power, and then Kronos would have won, wouldn't he? It explains why he keeps trying to bring you to your eternal downfall, because once he does, he wins and takes Genesis' place as king. Luckily for you ungrateful nothings, you have Gods and God-Deities to watch over you. In my opinion, I think Genesis should pick the two or three decent individuals and send another flood, but, hey, I'm not in charge, am I?

1 And trust me, I tried. It's an old story, well known amongst us Higher Beings. How Genesis came to be is still a mystery to us all; he doesn't reside in the Other Place.

2 Choose your pick; they're all the same. This also qualifies for Buddah and all of the gods involved in Hinduism and all other religions.

3 Where bottles came into existence, I have no clue. Genesis is a very strange being to begin with.

4 And by everything, I mean _everything._ A higher being can only consume so much before he explodes, taking everything in the way with him.

5 It was attempted once. The result was a volcanic eruption and the loss of the city of Pompeii, which is kind of their fault if you think about. Who builds a city on a volcanic island?

6 Land wasn't created yet. Earth was just kind of a giant water ball of a planet, with no land that showed above the waves, nor any space.

7 Maats Scale was used in Egyptian mythology to test the heart of the decease against the Feather of Truth. If it was lighter than the feather, then they got to go to the Afterlife. If heavier, they were fed to Ammut, an afrit that took the shape of a mix between a crocodile, lion, and hippopotamus. It's a well known fact in the Other Place that Ammut had cheated on more than one occasion, but can you blame him?

8 Mix Chronos up with Kronos and the earlier with make your hair grey before your time.

9 It took a great deal of thought, but Eros, the Goddess of Sex (and dirty jokes) eventually made the decision.


End file.
